A New Decade

As I sit here on January 1st, this year…  the dreams within me are churning.

I love New Year’s day, even though year after year certain resolutions never get completed, the exercising, the decision to be “more disciplined”, the short term goals very often are gone within a week… but for me without them, life gets mundane and lifeless.  I am a person who likes having goals so that I look ahead.  I would agree I’m a dreamer with a lot of dreams.  As we sat around the breakfast table this morning tossing out goals/dreams for the next decade Caeilen and I each rattled off a bunch.  Jake on the other hand named one and then said he needs action to speak louder than words this year.

A few hopes/dreams of mine?

• another adoption maybe?  a little girl??  only Jesus knows…
• to have a book ready to publish by the time I’m fourty…  which is closer than I’d like to admit.
• to have a worship cd produced…  from the intimacy and relationship I have with my Lord.
• A ministry developing for women/girls surrounding the issues of purity and being all God calls us to be…

Questions for the next decade:

• How much longer will we be in ministry?
• How many years will we be here?
• Where will each of my children be in the next 10 years?  This one is scary, because the next ten years will be filled with preparing our children to leave home and be on their own.  Realizing how fast the last decade has gone, this thought puts a lump in my throat for sure.
• Will there be a fourth child for our family or will we settle at three?
• Will my extended family be restored?  Only Jesus knows but I believe in faith we will be…
• Besides these goals, I have the “get into shape” goal, the eating better goal, and the slowing down to enjoy life!!!

Our life is simple, we live in a small town, yet Jake and I are always looking for more…  we are dying to see the breakthrough for this next generation that we have tried our best to serve over the last decade.  I do not know how much longer we will serve in this capacity, but our hearts still burn.

There is a spiritual dissatisfaction that I am grateful for.  I’m not sure if we’ll ever transition from “church work” to House of Prayer work or not, but there is definitely more that we are looking at…  I am grateful that dissatisfaction causes us to ask Jesus ‘what else’, what more, where??

Jesus, I ask that in this next decade I will learn how to BE better…

To be with you, in you, abiding in the very truths that I have learned and believed my whole life.  I’ve been a doer most of my life…  my goal for 2010, to be a “be,er” one who loves being with Jesus and drawing others into his presence as well.

Help me Jesus to be all that you’ve called me to be… a leader, a lover of Jesus, a mom, a wife, a worshipper, a pastor, a teacher, a mentor, a friend, a sister, a daughter…

I love you Jesus, may I love you much, much more this year!!

My Baby Girl’s 12

My daughter Caeilen made my heart sink tonight as she admitted that she understood why daddy and I didn’t buy her a cell phone for her 12th birthday today. Our reason was not because we couldn’t afford it or we didn’t trust her, but simply that we didn’t want her to grow up too fast. At first when I tried explaining it to her, I could see her “teenage” defense mechanism kick in, but as I laid down next to her for a few moments to say goodnight… she whispered, “I’ve been thinking about what you and daddy said, and I think you’re right”… tears came to my eyes immediately, and we had the most “grownup” talk we’ve had yet.

I shared how growing up I always wanted to be older… I hung out with older kids, I pretended to be older, acted older, and by 17 I had met Jake and all I wanted was to get married. While I absolutely love my life and love the things God has so blessed us with, there are times when I think I never got to travel, I was never an adventurous single gal having fun after graduation.. I was simply in love and knew wanted to marry Jake.

Now, as my daughter lay next to me in her big double bed, I begin reminising of the day she was born… how teeny tiny she was… how naive and scared we were to be in charge of this little precious bundle… we didn’t have a clue on how to raise kids… yet, somehow God had entrusted us with this most precious gift.  I’ll never forget Jake as he paced back and forth in that hospital room, hovering over his baby girl making sure she was breathing and okay.  He was so protective of her.  I remember her lying there on his chest, so tiny, all bundled up, and I could see she would always be daddy’s little girl!!

As I look back at Caeilen’s life, I sit in tears blessed by the wonderful daughter she has been. She started life with an attitude and has had it ever since. She went through a very stubborn streak between 2 and 4 years of age. I remember her slamming her head on the back of her car seat when she didn’t want to leave grandma and papa’s house. She’d cry the entire 20 minutes until I got her home.  I didn’t quite know what to do with her back then… 
She’s always loved being the life of the party. At family gatherings she’d always dance and sing or play her violin.. She LOVED being the center of attention. She went through her “sound of music” phase singing and dancing all the songs to her favorite movie.  And I’ll never forget when Grandpa Lozano was very sick ,  she would sing and dance in his room – these fun kid songs, bringing a little life and a very weak smile across my father in laws face.

She’s been a princess from the start as well, always loving dresses and jewelry and make up. She wore bows and frilly dresses and silly hats, and the garter like things that Jake was sure would cut off the circulation to her head!!!  She began ballet at 4, and is still taking classes 3 times a week. We’ve graduated to pointe shoes, character shoes, flat shoes and lots of ratty tights. But she is a beautiful ballerina who lights up the stage every time she performs.

Caeilen’s heart for Jesus is evident in her worship at our weekend services. And even though in this season she isn’t as outgoing with her dance in worship, she is still engaged, and for that I’m grateful!!  Worship songs also come out of her at home, which is even more important to me.  I’ll catch her singing different worship songs throughout the week which is great.  Her and Judah also ask me to sing worship songs over them at night before they sleep, and I try to use these as times of inviting the Holy Spirit to be in their rooms as they sleep, to minister to them in their dreams!!  It’s been a neat teaching time too, often leading into good prayer times together!
She is a huge help around the house with Markus. She is a wonderful “Ate” and I LOVE watching Markus and Caeilen dance little romantic dances in the middle of fun girlie movies!!   She’ll invite Markus to dance with her and he gets this intense, serious face, it’s too cute!!!

Her dream is to be a fashion designer… to make it big, be rich and famous, and drive a cherry red ferrari.. WHY NOT?? Dream big my little princess… you only live once, and who knows that God didn’t put you on the earth to be rich and famous and move things in the spirit world for Him.

My prayer above everything else is that she will remain pure before her God. Her name, Caeilen Rose Noble Lozano means pure flower of nobility… and she’s done well to live up to her name. I pray she will continue to do so throughout her teen, young adult and married life. I do not know where she will end up, or who she will end up with, but my prayer is that she will flourish greatly, that she will love her Lord with all her heart, soul, mind and strength, and that she will be more passionate and radical for Jesus that I am.

Thank you Lord for this most precious gift. I cannot imagine a more precious girl. I’m sure I take her for granted, especially when I get annoyed with her… but she is becoming a close friend, and I am grateful she’s ours for a season!! thank you jesus for our daughter Caeilen, and thank you for these wonderful 12 years you’ve given us with her. May we have many, many more I pray!!!

People Amaze Me

It’s absolutely amazing to me that we as people assume so much about others.  We (I included) often think that we totally understand situations people are in, that we know what they must be thinking, feeling.  We are certain we know a person’s motives behind something, that we totally identify with their pain, suffering, etc… and so often it keeps us from listening to anybody.  We don’t bother to listen not only with our ears, but with our hearts, and are uncomfortable when we don’t understand, or don’t have the answers or cannot identify.

I am in a season of learning some hard life lessons.  I know lately, I am learning so much from life situations.  I am not a good listener, I don’t empathize very often, I don’t even care to care often times… so much of my life revolves around ME…

Jesus, please help me to love others as you did.. sacrificially.  You always looked out for the poor and broken.  You never judged those who were struggling.  You loved with an unconditional, unending love.  You reached out, identified, went to the outcast, the broken, the unlovely, the rebellious, the bruised, the lonely…

The only people you seemed to have difficulty with was the religious people who hung law over people’s heads… who judged motives and actions of people.  Who hung people out to dry, who wanted “justice”, who preferred law, who criticized the sin in other’s lives.

We don’t hear too many people trying to do as the Word says – take the log out of our own eye, before we reach for the speck in our brother’s eye.  Again, people amaze me… Christians often seem to be the worst.  Lord, may we learn to represent you better, and love more like you do.

This side of heaven…

I’m in a very contemplative season right now in life.  Not exactly sure, but almost each and every day, I literally feel the song from a few years back Time is Ticking Away, tick, tick, ticking away.  This past week I’ve been so emotional… carrying the Chapman family and the loss of their precious Maria in my heart, while I sit and stare at my own adoption miracle their fund helped to make possible… why God?  What purpose could you possibly have?  Carrying a dear friend of my who’s lost a child this year… again, why God, it just isn’t fair!  Carrying others who can’t get pregnant… family issues, people and things who seem to have issues with me, on and on the list goes.  Why God?  There is never quite the sense of peace this side of heaven I guess.  I have been so careful throughout the last year and a half to be so very grateful each and every day.  I made a new commitment when we moved to carry a heart of gratitude… to be thankful to the Father for everything he so faithfully provides.

As we’ve had a fresh start here in Columbus, I HAVE been so immensely grateful…  beautiful home, new son, great church, wonderful job, great group of teens to lead, my family’s health, new friendships that are emerging, a school my kids love, on and on the list goes.  There is a new sense of “home” here beginning, and again, I’m grateful.  Yet, if I do not remain connected to the Vine, the unsettled sense of fear and worry creep in with all the things not going my way…

I just returned from a beautiful wedding in Cleveland this weekend.  Old friends, fond memories, the reality of missing them now in this season and that we aren’t so close these days…  Graduates of those we loved and pastored and cared for.  Memories of them as sweet innocent 7th graders petrified of youth group…  Sadness filled my heart as I sat at the reception missing these people I love and yet hardly am able to have relationship with any more…  Why God?  Why does everything have to change?  Again, I was grateful to be there rejoicing with them on this joyous occasion, but my heart ached for the “good ole days”.  SOOO much has happened since then. 

I must remember that in life, I am here to please only ONE master.  I cannot please everyone I come in contact with.  I cannot be the perfect wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, pastor… I simply can try my hardest to be like Jesus, to love Him with all my heart, soul, mind and strength, and to love others as best I can.

I must remember that only one thing in life is certain, change.  I must be grateful for every second I have with loved ones, and friends.  To drink in every moment… to laugh and cry and “be” in the moment every single day.  Who knows what tomorrow holds?  There are no guarantees…

Jesus, help me to live life to the fullest!  You promised to give us ABUNDANT LIFE… show me what that means!!!  Help me to be more Christ-like.  To choose to look out for others and care for others more than myself.  Help me to do a better job of loving people.  Help me to move into a season of gratitude no matter what.  And to understand this side of heaven, I will always be unsatisfied.  Help me to live a life that pleases and honors  you – each and every day!

The worship languages of Eucharist and Baptism

To be perfectly candid the term Eucharist for me is still a bit “churchy”,  and even the ceremonial “communion” somehow has lost its meaning to me.  I must revisit this and explore why, because even in the church I’m in now, there are communion tables, and any individual or family can go and partake of it anytime they feel led during any worship service, but I haven’t felt led to do so.  Now when we take it as a church, I definitely take part in it, and I am grateful for what it represents… but somehow it’s become very ritualistic for me and somewhere I’ve lost the meaning… and I’m not sure why?

As stated in my discussion answer… I would love to see a more artistic approach to a communion “service”.  With artistic stations representing a variety of things that the cross of Jesus provides for us… Such as freedom from sin, shame and bondage, redemption, salvation, recognition of grace, healing, deliverance, etc…  The cross has given us life, new beginnings, and communion is such a depiction of this.  I would love to see a variety of artistic expressions for these variety of things.  And in providing stations, people could go where they felt led by the Holy Spirit.  Someone needing healing could go there, take communion, and pray for their healing, another person needing freedom from an addiction could go to a station depicting freedom, etc…  I just think this would bring a fresh realization and appreciation for the cross.

Maybe I’ve been a Christian so long, and participated in so many of these things, they have become ritualistic.. something I need to explore…

As for baptism, I love the diversity I’ve experienced.  Our churches have done well to incorporate this into a time of worship.  And many baptisms I’ve been a part of take me back to the very core of why Jesus died, to redeem a people unto Himself!  I’ve also watched very powerful baptism experiences in a very small wading pool in a friend’s basement, or last year, in our small swimming pool a young man going overseas to serve in Iraq wanted to get baptized before he left.  He and his family had a private service on our deck, and my husband baptized him.  This to me was powerfully fresh and new.  He wanted it done now, there was a sense of importance and urgency.

I am thoroughly convinced we as modern day Christians have done this generation such a disservice.  We have failed to remember and have failed to pass on the true meanings behind why we do what we do.  As I sit here, I am even convicted and sad, because my husband and I work with youth, and I wonder how many of them know why communion and baptism are important.  Is it just another thing we Christians “do” to show we love Jesus?  If I don’t take time to reflect and teach those coming up behind me, how much will be lost generation to generation?

Jesus help me do a better job of passing down the things I know about the kingdom… to the next generation.  May they gain an understanding and build upon the foundations our forefathers built for us.  May my children recollect and know the true meanings behind these two very important pieces of worship!

Time is ticking away…

Okay, maybe I’m just getting old… but the months fly by anymore like days.  I can’t get over how fast time is going.  Weren’t we just celebrating Christmas?  The kids only have 1 1/2 semesters left and we’re back to summer break (which I love), but man, time goes so fast!  Caeilen will go to 7th grade, Judah to 3rd… on and on we go…

I’ll never forget my great grandfather’s comment in his 80′s when my dad asked him if it felt like he had lived a long time, his answer was “Michael it all feels like a dream!”  80 years like a dream?  Yet, here at 36, almost 1/2 way to 80, I can somewhat appreciate his answer.  My life has seemingly flown by.  Next year will mark 20 years since I met Jake.  20 years, how can that be?  I wrote some of this on a facebook note at the new year, and yet I find myself wrestling with it again.

I feel in this season, I am trying to enjoy life, slow down, learn to appreciate the simple things, drink in the moment, stop and smell the roses, etc.  Yet I have to be intentional.  I’m used to running here, there and everywhere, late to this thing, texting, calling, emailing, etc… appointments, people, ministry, life.. it’s all so full.  This American dream everyone talks about.  The slow pace of Italy or other European countries sound so appealing to me right now.  Walking everywhere, buying food at the market, spending hours with friends and family over your meal.  Ahhh, my soul drinks those things in.  Yet, I am in control of my life and time aren’t I?

The title of my post came from the song Time is ticking away, tick, tick, ticking away that was popular in the nineties in the Christian arena, yet tonight it feels so real.   Some days I feel I’m living in the movie groundhog day, where it’s the same morning routine, full days, cleaning house, running errands, carpooling to ballet, kids to bed, up again, etc…  I so want to break out of the norm.

This week I’ve been considering, how I can do one little fun thing each and every day, that is out of the routine?  A starbucks run just for the fun of it (of course that’s kind of routine these days ),  a romp through the fields here in Sunbury (yes, there are a lot of open fields around in this little town) which would remind me of when I was a girl, a night under the stars, something just something to break out of the ordinary.

God, my life is meaningful, I know, but help me to live each day to the fullest.  To drink in the moments, to be present in the now, to enjoy the company of every person you send my way, to do everything well, to SLOW down and live and breathe and just BE!!  Help me to invest my time wisely, not wasting it, regretting it.  Help me to be intentional and plan to do those things that are important to me and You.

A Day of Surprises

Throughout the fall and winter, I have thoroughly enjoy surprising different family members and guests with goodies for their stay here in our home.  It might be a simple basket of bubble bath, body lotions, and dove chocolates.  The simple goodies a friend might enjoy.  Well today is Jake’s birthday, and I decided to make it a day full of surprises for him.  First of all, upon waking up he was notified that I had gotten him a day off of work, which he loved, and promptly crawled back into bed.  Breakfast in bed from me and Judah, a quiet lunch at Brio on our own without the kiddos , then a family evening of bowling and dinner out.  It’s a day Jake has enjoyed, and I’ve enjoyed each piece of today, and watching my husband be blessed.

I love birthdays.  For me personally, it’s always a time of personal reflection and interspection.  I usually go before the Lord, evaluate my year, and set goals for the upcoming one.  But today has just been a day of fun and surprises.  I realize how much joy there is in giving.  There’s always something in return, but I have loved blessing Jake throughout the day.  And who knows what he’ll come up with now for my next birthday.

I want to make this a new tradition of ours.  And not that it has to be filled with spending lots of money, it truly is the thought that counts, but when someone realizes you’ve planned a day just to make them feel special, it’s truly worth the effort.  Mom is next in line… my head’s already spinning thinking of things she would enjoy on her special day.  I am so grateful for the blessings God has given me in family and friends and I’m thankful to be able to bless and honor those I love…

Now I must go and unveil a platter of chocolate covered strawberries, my last surprise of the day! 

I pray that as the years go by these days remain in our minds as wonderful memories, and treasured family time.  Before I know it, my kids will be grown and forming their own traditions and making their own memories with their families.  Maybe these days of surprises will continue on, who knows?

The Worship Languages of Prayer and Scripture

Throughout this week, I’ve been remembering, which is fun because Dan keeps talking about the importance of remembering and rehearsing the past… it truly does remind us of God’s works in our lives, His goodness, faithfulness, nearness.  I am reminded of how often worship has gone to another depth for me when adding prayer or scripture to it.  How through the spoken Word, God’s voice seems so clear.  How truth has penetrated my dull heart or awakened desires in me again.  How hearing someone desperately pray in the middle of a song for the nearness of God, has caused my spirit to engage with God and cry out for myself.

So often, because of the busyness of life, I create a worship set, with prayerful consideration (of course ), but without the reflective energy to ask God, what else, what more could be added to further enhance people’s interaction with You?  We haven’t even talked yet about art or other forms of creativity, but just what we have talked about is already stirring up, this dissatisfaction with what I am currently experiencing in our corporate and even in my own individual times of worship.

I am prayerful that not only will this course teach us, but cause us to go and do the very things we are reading and watching and listening about.  So much of the prodestant church today has written off the liturgical piece of worship.  How beautifully crafted we could make our times of worship, yes make, with the allowance of course for the Holy Spirit to come in at any time and change it all up.  If we create a scaffolding or framework for Him, how much more room would He have to move and speak, than if we just simply put together 5 songs that flow, fast, medium, intimate, and on with announcements we go?  How many more people would leave our buildings having encountered God through our time of worship?

These teachings are expanding the longings of my heart, and deepening the desires of my soul to experience God in a variety of ways, and I can’t wait to begin exploring again, these new ways to incorporate prayer and worship into my life and the life of our church.

The Worship Languages of Time & Space

As I have read through the material and watched the videos this week, I realize there is a new hunger and desire for more in my worship experience.  I settle so quickly and easily with what I know, or what I can get accomplished quickly, rather than going for it.  What I mean is, long walks and talks with God refresh me, but how often do I get out and take a walk.  It’s too cold, or rainy, or snowy, or too hot.  There’s always an excuse.  Beauty speaks to me deeply, but how often do I take an afternoon and go to the Art museum and allow my soul to drink in beauty and experience God in an entirely different way.  Not very.  As we talk, study, listen and learn, my spirit is once again stirred to go the extra mile, to create a space and time in which God can most effectively speak to me. 

I also realize that so much of the modern life goes on without deep meaning.  We tend to live in the now, reactive to cell phones ringing, text messages, facebook notes, etc… that very often we don’t live intentionally.  Very often we get to the end of the day feeling like we haven’t accomplished anything, because we don’t set goals and live intentionally.  Setting out to do and be who God has created us to be.

I believe living a reflective life helps us be more intentional.  It would help set me on a course to fulfill the things in my life that God created me for. 

It’s amazing to me how studying something like this is creating a deep hunger inside.  I wish I could schedule a 3 day retreat to think, reflect, plan and create!